The Monster Inside Me

I wake up in the morning and I feel nothing. My body, my mind is numb and as I look around me, I begin to suffocate slowly. There is nothing on earth for me. I hear the voices of everyone I love repeating the same words, repeating expectations, and force feeding me wisdom. I pull hard to keep my ears closed, because I just feel like a waste of God’s energy, but the voices are too persistent to ignore. I can sense the tears crawling forward when I think about it in that way.

Every night the same thoughts flutter like fireflies in my head. They say that I’m worthless. They say never to show my fucking face again. They say to follow through with the darkest thoughts I‘ve ever had. And I just sit and look at myself feeling sorry about the scars and how my body has to pay for my bad behaviors. I’m ashamed and I wonder how anyone could think of me in a good light. I’ve shamed God and I’ve shamed anyone who has ever loved me. I’ve shamed myself.

I’m in a scary place. I’m terrified to be alone with myself, and I don’t believe I’m mistaken. Terror is the correct word. I’ve been waiting and hoping every night that these thoughts just go away because they’ve been lingering for quite some time. I end up putting myself to sleep before I’m tired, only to quiet the voices. I’d like to get this off my chest and not be so lost and alone in this because I suddenly feel awfully alone. Suddenly I have no one at all to turn to.

This one is bad, the worst all year. Maybe I should catch it while I still can. These thought’s begin as a mere bud and then they sprout, and I brush them aside, hoping they’ll dissipate. Until I realize they’ve blossomed and I become so overcome with fear that it paralyzes me. Seven years and every year I go through this, but somehow it never grows old. It seems the older I get, the more grueling the circumstances. I’d reach out, except each time I think about it, I end up talking myself out of it. I’m an adult, I need to figure things out on my own, especially after all this time. I should have it together; another reason why I’d rather just swallow my pills right now.