Winter

29 December, 09
I had a panic attack last night. I don’t know why. A million thoughts flooded into my mind suddenly and then I couldn’t breathe. It lasted for about an hour. I caught my breath in half that. My grandma was on the phone talking about all this shit that’s been stressing her out. It really had nothing to do with me, so I don’t know why it bothered me so much. I kept hearing her talk and it just got worse. Ugh. I just heard a ton of stuff I didn’t need to hear.

I ended up texting Qm. She was so sweet about all of it and helpful. She talked to me for like two hours, even though she was at a party. Probably at the apartment. She made me promise that I wouldn’t “do what (I) usually do.” I kept it, even though it was beyond tempting to break. I just stayed on my laptop and kept texting her. I didn’t feel wanted or loved. I don’t, still, but last night Qm made me feel better. That counts for something. I told her I wanted to go to sleep, but that I couldn’t. That I needed sleeping pills. This is what she said: “no more pills baby. You need your life back.” It’s so true. I need my life…back. I’m hesitant on the back part. I don’t believe I’ve had a worthy life to begin with. Or at least not one I want back.

I feel like crying, but I don’t want to. It’s childish. But maybe not. That wouldn’t be the only thing behind my tears. I’m only upset because my break has been…uneventful and depressing. I finally had something to look forward to. Now I don’t. It makes me sad. Makes me want to cry. Now I have nothing. I have a couch to lay on and a DVR to watch. I don’t have anything to do. I don’t want today to be another day that I spend in my pajamas. I want a reason to get up and get dressed and see people and do things. All of my friends seem to have someone to hang out with or somewhere to be, something to do. I feel like I’m gonna cry. I could call Horowitz. I could, but I don’t want to bother him. I don‘t want to bother anyone. I feel like a burden. I’m at my grandparents and I feel like a burden to everyone. I’m going to cry.