9 September, 2010
I went to therapy today. It wasn’t bad. I got to say some things that I’ve had on my mind all week. I thought I’d suffocate if I didn’t get those things out. I told Horowitz how I’ve started using smoking to cope. How it’s become more than fun. It’s affecting my daily life. Then I confessed to cutting again. I told him how I couldn’t bring myself to cut sober, so I smoked first. And I told him how it was easy; how I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t tell him that I smiled or how I laughed at the blood spilling everywhere.
I sat quietly for a long while until he finally said, “can I ask about the cutting?”, and I just shrugged. He asked how much I’d done it and where. Then he asked something that I was really taken aback by; he asked if he could see how deep the cuts were. Maybe it was because that was the first time he ever asked. Maybe it was how he asked. It seemed he was afraid to ask for some reason. I wonder why. Why this time and never before? Was it my affect? Was it the fact that I had cut while I was high and it happened so easily? I got this panicky feeling in my stomach when his words began to make sense in my head. I couldn’t imagine him looking. It’s such a private part of me. It’s intimate. I get so unbearably uncomfortable when people ask to see it or when they’re actually looking. It’s like asking to see me naked. It’s just like that, and it hurts. My scars, my cuts, my burns and bruises are mine. They’re completely private and it’s hard to share that with others. I don’t care who they are. It bothers me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Back in Business
So I'm not the most computer savvy person in the world. Thanks to my very intelligent and dear friend, Colton, it was brought to my attention that my laptop was in fact not under attack. Close, but not quite. There was a virus threat, I guess, and not a full on virus? Well whatever it might have been, I'm back. My computer didn't explode as I expected it might. It's all intact, thank goodness. Everything is here, and I can continue to update my blog :)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Malfunction. Oh no!
Yesterday, while procrastinating on my laptop, a message pops up saying that I have 38 viruses threatening my computer and that if I didn't shut it off, there would be irreparable damage. In the middle of downloading AVG antivirus, my entire system shuts down. My laptop, my baby, my life died right before me. All of my journals, poetry, photos, etc are on my laptop. I'm not sure how long it will be before it's up and running again, but hopefully not too long. I won't be able to post any new journals until I get this all worked out, however, I will try to find other media to post. Hang in there with me!
Happy blogging.
xo
Happy blogging.
xo
Friday, March 4, 2011
This is Now
This is now.
See, this right here is me.
In a decade I’ll look back
and say, well when I was 18...
But that’s only hopefully,
because now I know what I’m capable of,
and that is destructing.
Now I know the truth of me.
This may well just be a hard time,
but you’ll break your back trying to prove it’s temporary.
I’d say, “you try to live this life in my body.
You try to fight yourself, when you know you’ll
just keep struggling on empty.”
Then what will you suggest for me? What is left to do?
I’m up against the world and a future.
You can’t deny or minimize.
This is the disease and over there sits recovery.
It smiles. It waves; and in the corner of the darkness it torments me.
See, this right here is me.
In a decade I’ll look back
and say, well when I was 18...
But that’s only hopefully,
because now I know what I’m capable of,
and that is destructing.
Now I know the truth of me.
This may well just be a hard time,
but you’ll break your back trying to prove it’s temporary.
I’d say, “you try to live this life in my body.
You try to fight yourself, when you know you’ll
just keep struggling on empty.”
Then what will you suggest for me? What is left to do?
I’m up against the world and a future.
You can’t deny or minimize.
This is the disease and over there sits recovery.
It smiles. It waves; and in the corner of the darkness it torments me.
Souls Die in Autumn
27 September, 2010
The day is like the soft tissue
coating the throat; soothing like mother’s milk.
And Fury is like acid crawling up
from your stomach, escaping the intestines and waiting
to erupt between winter-dried lips.
I would sit in bed and let the bile drip.
Drip like rain droplets onto the pillows,
soaking in between tear streams,
committing suicide from cold cheeks.
My angst slips out sullenly. Waiting
like gasoline for fire to spark or an explosion to spread
between legs clasped tightly if love lay in them again.
The rage, the wrath, the madness
creaks like wooden Victorian floor boards.
I wonder why the pain doesn’t hurt.
Why? When my patience has been murdered?
My hope has been cut up, burned up,
and rapped with a bow.
Perhaps I could mail it away to someone in need,
seeing how I only feed every mouth
of despair eating at me.
Waiting between the hours, I sit silent. -Witnessing
my inner peace running away on the wind.
Running away from me.
I could sit by the fire for hours
rubbing scarred hands together,
but the heat from the love won’t ever sink in.
The day is like the soft tissue
coating the throat; soothing like mother’s milk.
And Fury is like acid crawling up
from your stomach, escaping the intestines and waiting
to erupt between winter-dried lips.
I would sit in bed and let the bile drip.
Drip like rain droplets onto the pillows,
soaking in between tear streams,
committing suicide from cold cheeks.
My angst slips out sullenly. Waiting
like gasoline for fire to spark or an explosion to spread
between legs clasped tightly if love lay in them again.
The rage, the wrath, the madness
creaks like wooden Victorian floor boards.
I wonder why the pain doesn’t hurt.
Why? When my patience has been murdered?
My hope has been cut up, burned up,
and rapped with a bow.
Perhaps I could mail it away to someone in need,
seeing how I only feed every mouth
of despair eating at me.
Waiting between the hours, I sit silent. -Witnessing
my inner peace running away on the wind.
Running away from me.
I could sit by the fire for hours
rubbing scarred hands together,
but the heat from the love won’t ever sink in.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Summer
21 June, 2010
So I’m here at the PEOPLE Program. Today was my first day and it was horrible. I sat through five to seven hours of lectures on my education, and how appreciative I should be, and how I need to work hard, and learned about the intensive application process. I heard good stuff today. Stuff that made me think, stuff that made me excited, and things that put even more terror into me. It’s like each day, though, I get further and further away from where it is that I thought I would be. I guess I can kiss that Master’s degree away for now. I don’t think I’ll even survive undergrad. I don’t even want to be here. I thought I didn’t before and now I really don’t. There’s no way in hell I’m getting into UW-Madison, not even if I wanted to. I determined that this past year. The orientation today was so hardcore. I’m not sure if I want to be here. I’d like to get my check and leave. I haven’t told anyone that I’m thinking about leaving yet, except my mom; isn’t that a shocker? She told me to give it a week and that we could talk about it on the weekend, only I’m afraid to start my internship on Wednesday. What if….I have so many, too many “what if” scenarios that I could choose from, I don’t even want to bring them up. I’m terrified. I feel an anxiety attack coming on quite soon. I hate this feeling. High anxiety. Social anxiety at that. That’s the worst and most debilitating, for me anyway. I can’t think of a time I’ve spent sitting down in the past 48 hours that I haven’t shaken my knee. It’s a nervous habit. A very annoying, very addicting nervous habit.
My roommate is interesting. She’s so quiet, I’m afraid to interrupt her with any conversation. She’s seems very artsy, to me anyway. It’s cool and all. I wish she were a bit more talkative. I hope she doesn’t think I’m annoying or weird or whatever else….fat….ugly. Things are so different this year from last year. Qm’s not my roommate anymore. Now this room is just a place that I sleep and store my stuff. It’s hard to come in here for alone time, because my roommate and I are both introverts and we seem to vie for alone time at the same times. Oh well, it’s a social process. I need to find alone time somewhere in this place though, or else I’ll lose my mind. It’s only the first day and I’m losing it. And I fucking had to walk up Bascom Hill today. Fml.
*The PEOPLE Program is a local pre-college enrichment program that I’m a part of. From my sophomore to senior year in high school, I invest my time in their program throughout the school year and the summer and in doing well in school in exchange for tutoring help and prep classes. In the event that I successfully complete the program and am accepted to the university in the city that I live, I will receive four years of paid tuition. But that’s just the short sweet version.
So I’m here at the PEOPLE Program. Today was my first day and it was horrible. I sat through five to seven hours of lectures on my education, and how appreciative I should be, and how I need to work hard, and learned about the intensive application process. I heard good stuff today. Stuff that made me think, stuff that made me excited, and things that put even more terror into me. It’s like each day, though, I get further and further away from where it is that I thought I would be. I guess I can kiss that Master’s degree away for now. I don’t think I’ll even survive undergrad. I don’t even want to be here. I thought I didn’t before and now I really don’t. There’s no way in hell I’m getting into UW-Madison, not even if I wanted to. I determined that this past year. The orientation today was so hardcore. I’m not sure if I want to be here. I’d like to get my check and leave. I haven’t told anyone that I’m thinking about leaving yet, except my mom; isn’t that a shocker? She told me to give it a week and that we could talk about it on the weekend, only I’m afraid to start my internship on Wednesday. What if….I have so many, too many “what if” scenarios that I could choose from, I don’t even want to bring them up. I’m terrified. I feel an anxiety attack coming on quite soon. I hate this feeling. High anxiety. Social anxiety at that. That’s the worst and most debilitating, for me anyway. I can’t think of a time I’ve spent sitting down in the past 48 hours that I haven’t shaken my knee. It’s a nervous habit. A very annoying, very addicting nervous habit.
My roommate is interesting. She’s so quiet, I’m afraid to interrupt her with any conversation. She’s seems very artsy, to me anyway. It’s cool and all. I wish she were a bit more talkative. I hope she doesn’t think I’m annoying or weird or whatever else….fat….ugly. Things are so different this year from last year. Qm’s not my roommate anymore. Now this room is just a place that I sleep and store my stuff. It’s hard to come in here for alone time, because my roommate and I are both introverts and we seem to vie for alone time at the same times. Oh well, it’s a social process. I need to find alone time somewhere in this place though, or else I’ll lose my mind. It’s only the first day and I’m losing it. And I fucking had to walk up Bascom Hill today. Fml.
*The PEOPLE Program is a local pre-college enrichment program that I’m a part of. From my sophomore to senior year in high school, I invest my time in their program throughout the school year and the summer and in doing well in school in exchange for tutoring help and prep classes. In the event that I successfully complete the program and am accepted to the university in the city that I live, I will receive four years of paid tuition. But that’s just the short sweet version.
Spring
28 March, 10
I’m stupid. My mom wanted me to make sausage this morning. I burned it, and now, even though she could easily make it herself, and she knows I‘m in the middle of something, she’s making me do it again. She knows I won’t even eat it. I think she thinks I’m vying for control. Really, I don’t care. I don’t know why I’m crying about this, but I am.
I feel stupid. I feel like cutting myself up into little pieces. I have so much work to do today and I just feel so dumb for letting it all pile up. I’m stupid. I should just give up now. I should just go run into traffic or jump off a roof or drown myself. What is wrong with me?
I’ve been working toward getting my grades up, and so far it’s been working out. But for some reason I still feel like I’m letting everyone down. My grades go up and I just feel more depressed and worthless. I’m ugly and stupid and I should just go die because I don’t deserve to be here at all. No one needs me here and I just waste time and screw up. I spend all my time sleeping and making up excuses.
I feel so pathetic for whining about myself all the time. I hate this.
I’m stupid. My mom wanted me to make sausage this morning. I burned it, and now, even though she could easily make it herself, and she knows I‘m in the middle of something, she’s making me do it again. She knows I won’t even eat it. I think she thinks I’m vying for control. Really, I don’t care. I don’t know why I’m crying about this, but I am.
I feel stupid. I feel like cutting myself up into little pieces. I have so much work to do today and I just feel so dumb for letting it all pile up. I’m stupid. I should just give up now. I should just go run into traffic or jump off a roof or drown myself. What is wrong with me?
I’ve been working toward getting my grades up, and so far it’s been working out. But for some reason I still feel like I’m letting everyone down. My grades go up and I just feel more depressed and worthless. I’m ugly and stupid and I should just go die because I don’t deserve to be here at all. No one needs me here and I just waste time and screw up. I spend all my time sleeping and making up excuses.
I feel so pathetic for whining about myself all the time. I hate this.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Winter
2 January, 2010
So…today is another day. I’ve accomplished things. I did chores yesterday, or maybe the day before. I cleaned my room last night. I feel better about it. I can breathe. I organized my backpack and my desk. I woke up this afternoon, got dressed and painted my nails. I thought I’d be able to find a friend to hang out with, but everyone is either busy or out of town. So now it’s 3:30 pm. I’m all dressed up and have nowhere to go. I could do homework. I could do chores. I have to do chores. I’m bored. I’m depressed and lonely. I relapsed an hour ago. I had to smoke. Okay, so I didn’t have to. I just started getting this feeling like something was going to happen. Like I was going to explode or cry or something. It’s kind of the same feeling I get before I have a panic attack.
By the way, I’ve picked up a couple nervous habits: leg shaking, jaw clenching, and picking at the skin on my right thumb. Habits are hard to break. The leg shaking especially. Just thought I’d note those things somewhere.
I’ve been mostly good over break about not smoking or cutting. Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about breaking “sobriety,” so to speak. But it’s not like I drink and smoke pot all the time, you know? I probably won’t again for another month.
So…today is another day. I’ve accomplished things. I did chores yesterday, or maybe the day before. I cleaned my room last night. I feel better about it. I can breathe. I organized my backpack and my desk. I woke up this afternoon, got dressed and painted my nails. I thought I’d be able to find a friend to hang out with, but everyone is either busy or out of town. So now it’s 3:30 pm. I’m all dressed up and have nowhere to go. I could do homework. I could do chores. I have to do chores. I’m bored. I’m depressed and lonely. I relapsed an hour ago. I had to smoke. Okay, so I didn’t have to. I just started getting this feeling like something was going to happen. Like I was going to explode or cry or something. It’s kind of the same feeling I get before I have a panic attack.
By the way, I’ve picked up a couple nervous habits: leg shaking, jaw clenching, and picking at the skin on my right thumb. Habits are hard to break. The leg shaking especially. Just thought I’d note those things somewhere.
I’ve been mostly good over break about not smoking or cutting. Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about breaking “sobriety,” so to speak. But it’s not like I drink and smoke pot all the time, you know? I probably won’t again for another month.
Now
17 January, 2011
Lately everything is so blah. I can’t think. It’s like I have no idea how to organize my thoughts. There’s a tension constantly rushing through my torso, and the chest pains are literally breath taking. My anxiety level is so off key, it plays For Elise backwards. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack. It’s awful. I really need to let my therapists and psychiatrist know about this. I can feel that this is physically taxing for my body. I have constant internal aches on nearly every inch of my torso.
God, I wish I could start writing about all the stressors I have, but I get exhausted just thinking about it. I’m so jumbled and discombobulated all of the time. Sometimes I can’t even figure out how to get myself out of a chair. I forget things constantly. My memory is lazy. I can never remember past the last day, maybe two. Generally, these are all the things I carry around on my mind: achool, graduation, college, finals, future, next semester, my independent English credit, a new tattoo/piercing, money, working, SSI, organizing and budgeting finances, summer, fall, my spring bout of suicidality, my messy bedroom, hygiene, sleeping habits, diet, weight, guilt, weed, friends, morals and values, wanting to please everyone, debt, my parents, failure, dying, cutting, sex, dating, social anxiety, retrieving my creativity from wherever it hides, working, buying crap, my hair, clothes, self sufficiency, being normal, BPD, therapy, treatment overall, ECT, memory, attitude, emotions vs. mood, keeping up with the date, longer term treatment facilities, and figuring out who I am and how to turn whoever that is into a respectable adult. Oh, also how vulnerable and stuck I feel in this ongoing tunnel. Great. I got it out. I feel a touch of relief. Hopefully thoughts of that stuff will fade a little for a while.
Lately everything is so blah. I can’t think. It’s like I have no idea how to organize my thoughts. There’s a tension constantly rushing through my torso, and the chest pains are literally breath taking. My anxiety level is so off key, it plays For Elise backwards. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack. It’s awful. I really need to let my therapists and psychiatrist know about this. I can feel that this is physically taxing for my body. I have constant internal aches on nearly every inch of my torso.
God, I wish I could start writing about all the stressors I have, but I get exhausted just thinking about it. I’m so jumbled and discombobulated all of the time. Sometimes I can’t even figure out how to get myself out of a chair. I forget things constantly. My memory is lazy. I can never remember past the last day, maybe two. Generally, these are all the things I carry around on my mind: achool, graduation, college, finals, future, next semester, my independent English credit, a new tattoo/piercing, money, working, SSI, organizing and budgeting finances, summer, fall, my spring bout of suicidality, my messy bedroom, hygiene, sleeping habits, diet, weight, guilt, weed, friends, morals and values, wanting to please everyone, debt, my parents, failure, dying, cutting, sex, dating, social anxiety, retrieving my creativity from wherever it hides, working, buying crap, my hair, clothes, self sufficiency, being normal, BPD, therapy, treatment overall, ECT, memory, attitude, emotions vs. mood, keeping up with the date, longer term treatment facilities, and figuring out who I am and how to turn whoever that is into a respectable adult. Oh, also how vulnerable and stuck I feel in this ongoing tunnel. Great. I got it out. I feel a touch of relief. Hopefully thoughts of that stuff will fade a little for a while.
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