9 September, 2010
I went to therapy today. It wasn’t bad. I got to say some things that I’ve had on my mind all week. I thought I’d suffocate if I didn’t get those things out. I told Horowitz how I’ve started using smoking to cope. How it’s become more than fun. It’s affecting my daily life. Then I confessed to cutting again. I told him how I couldn’t bring myself to cut sober, so I smoked first. And I told him how it was easy; how I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t tell him that I smiled or how I laughed at the blood spilling everywhere.
I sat quietly for a long while until he finally said, “can I ask about the cutting?”, and I just shrugged. He asked how much I’d done it and where. Then he asked something that I was really taken aback by; he asked if he could see how deep the cuts were. Maybe it was because that was the first time he ever asked. Maybe it was how he asked. It seemed he was afraid to ask for some reason. I wonder why. Why this time and never before? Was it my affect? Was it the fact that I had cut while I was high and it happened so easily? I got this panicky feeling in my stomach when his words began to make sense in my head. I couldn’t imagine him looking. It’s such a private part of me. It’s intimate. I get so unbearably uncomfortable when people ask to see it or when they’re actually looking. It’s like asking to see me naked. It’s just like that, and it hurts. My scars, my cuts, my burns and bruises are mine. They’re completely private and it’s hard to share that with others. I don’t care who they are. It bothers me.
The emotions in your words are beautiful. I wonder if you are transcribing an old diary perhaps? I've kept my own scars to myself for a time but felt like that held me back for too long and eventually just let them show bare. I had severe eczema as a child so the skin on the affected areas were often very ugly and people would constantly ask what I've done to myself and other kids would make fun of me....but fuck what they think now. No one can ever understands what situation a person is in. Sending you my love,
ReplyDeleteKP
Yes, almost all of my posts are previous journals. I've been writing since 4th grade. I guess my blog is my way of doing something productive with all of it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you can relaid. It think it's important to know you aren't alone. Cutting is hard to deal with. Especially when people are always pointing it out, giving you a hard time. At some point, like you said, you just have to say whatever and feel comfortable with the scars, cos they aren't going anywhere.
Returning the love :)