Now

17 January, 2011
Lately everything is so blah. I can’t think. It’s like I have no idea how to organize my thoughts. There’s a tension constantly rushing through my torso, and the chest pains are literally breath taking. My anxiety level is so off key, it plays For Elise backwards. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack. It’s awful. I really need to let my therapists and psychiatrist know about this. I can feel that this is physically taxing for my body. I have constant internal aches on nearly every inch of my torso.

God, I wish I could start writing about all the stressors I have, but I get exhausted just thinking about it. I’m so jumbled and discombobulated all of the time. Sometimes I can’t even figure out how to get myself out of a chair. I forget things constantly. My memory is lazy. I can never remember past the last day, maybe two. Generally, these are all the things I carry around on my mind: achool, graduation, college, finals, future, next semester, my independent English credit, a new tattoo/piercing, money, working, SSI, organizing and budgeting finances, summer, fall, my spring bout of suicidality, my messy bedroom, hygiene, sleeping habits, diet, weight, guilt, weed, friends, morals and values, wanting to please everyone, debt, my parents, failure, dying, cutting, sex, dating, social anxiety, retrieving my creativity from wherever it hides, working, buying crap, my hair, clothes, self sufficiency, being normal, BPD, therapy, treatment overall, ECT, memory, attitude, emotions vs. mood, keeping up with the date, longer term treatment facilities, and figuring out who I am and how to turn whoever that is into a respectable adult. Oh, also how vulnerable and stuck I feel in this ongoing tunnel. Great. I got it out. I feel a touch of relief. Hopefully thoughts of that stuff will fade a little for a while.