Winter

2 January, 2010


So…today is another day. I’ve accomplished things. I did chores yesterday, or maybe the day before. I cleaned my room last night. I feel better about it. I can breathe. I organized my backpack and my desk. I woke up this afternoon, got dressed and painted my nails. I thought I’d be able to find a friend to hang out with, but everyone is either busy or out of town. So now it’s 3:30 pm. I’m all dressed up and have nowhere to go. I could do homework. I could do chores. I have to do chores. I’m bored. I’m depressed and lonely. I relapsed an hour ago. I had to smoke. Okay, so I didn’t have to. I just started getting this feeling like something was going to happen. Like I was going to explode or cry or something. It’s kind of the same feeling I get before I have a panic attack.

By the way, I’ve picked up a couple nervous habits: leg shaking, jaw clenching, and picking at the skin on my right thumb. Habits are hard to break. The leg shaking especially. Just thought I’d note those things somewhere.

I’ve been mostly good over break about not smoking or cutting. Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about breaking “sobriety,” so to speak. But it’s not like I drink and smoke pot all the time, you know? I probably won’t again for another month.