Summer

21 June, 2010

So I’m here at the PEOPLE Program. Today was my first day and it was horrible. I sat through five to seven hours of lectures on my education, and how appreciative I should be, and how I need to work hard, and learned about the intensive application process. I heard good stuff today. Stuff that made me think, stuff that made me excited, and things that put even more terror into me. It’s like each day, though, I get further and further away from where it is that I thought I would be. I guess I can kiss that Master’s degree away for now. I don’t think I’ll even survive undergrad. I don’t even want to be here. I thought I didn’t before and now I really don’t. There’s no way in hell I’m getting into UW-Madison, not even if I wanted to. I determined that this past year. The orientation today was so hardcore. I’m not sure if I want to be here. I’d like to get my check and leave. I haven’t told anyone that I’m thinking about leaving yet, except my mom; isn’t that a shocker? She told me to give it a week and that we could talk about it on the weekend, only I’m afraid to start my internship on Wednesday. What if….I have so many, too many “what if” scenarios that I could choose from, I don’t even want to bring them up. I’m terrified. I feel an anxiety attack coming on quite soon. I hate this feeling. High anxiety. Social anxiety at that. That’s the worst and most debilitating, for me anyway. I can’t think of a time I’ve spent sitting down in the past 48 hours that I haven’t shaken my knee. It’s a nervous habit. A very annoying, very addicting nervous habit.

My roommate is interesting. She’s so quiet, I’m afraid to interrupt her with any conversation. She’s seems very artsy, to me anyway. It’s cool and all. I wish she were a bit more talkative. I hope she doesn’t think I’m annoying or weird or whatever else….fat….ugly. Things are so different this year from last year. Qm’s not my roommate anymore. Now this room is just a place that I sleep and store my stuff. It’s hard to come in here for alone time, because my roommate and I are both introverts and we seem to vie for alone time at the same times. Oh well, it’s a social process. I need to find alone time somewhere in this place though, or else I’ll lose my mind. It’s only the first day and I’m losing it. And I fucking had to walk up Bascom Hill today. Fml.


*The PEOPLE Program is a local pre-college enrichment program that I’m a part of. From my sophomore to senior year in high school, I invest my time in their program throughout the school year and the summer and in doing well in school in exchange for tutoring help and prep classes. In the event that I successfully complete the program and am accepted to the university in the city that I live, I will receive four years of paid tuition. But that’s just the short sweet version.