Spring

22 March, 10

I’ve completely wasted the past 72 hours. I feel icky. There really isn’t another way to describe my emotions right now. It’s all my fault. I set out to accomplish things this weekend and I haven’t accomplished a damn thing. Not even a good night’s sleep. I haven’t been taking my pills or watching what I eat. I’ve only weighed myself twice. My body is in horrible shape. I want to cry because I know it’s all my fault and it’s going to be a long week getting back to the small start I had.

I’d kill for a cigarette right now. It seems to make everything better for five or ten minutes, and that’s all the time I need to fall asleep. It’s already 12:30am and I really don’t know how I’m going to get myself to sleep. But then I don’t want go to bed because I fear I’ll just wake up at five again, like last night. I don’t like those kinds of repeats.

I really don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I don’t want to live tomorrow. It’d be great if we could just skip to Tuesday. (Wow, that sentence put a new taste in my mouth. I hate Tuesdays.) I don’t want to have to go tomorrow and see the look on everyone’s face when they find that I’ve failed to follow through on my word. I told Ms. Bailey I’d have that damn story in by Monday. Ha, so fucking much for that. I don’t remember promising anyone else of anything, but I wouldn’t be surprised if come tomorrow, I realize that Ms. Bailey isn’t the only one I let down. I remember making a list of homework to do on Friday afternoon. Maybe, for the first time in my life, I’m upset because I’ve let myself down and not someone else. *Audience gasps in awe*

I keep telling myself that I’ll be fine with lying in bed all day tomorrow while the sun rises and sets beside my window. I keep telling myself that if I do decide to go, I won’t put any effort into pleasing anyone. I’ll do enough to get through the day, because
1. pretending not to care is sometimes my way of dealing with stress
2. that’s the only way I can imagine myself getting through
3. I’ve already forgotten what three was

We’ll see how it goes. I’m sure there was more I wanted to say, but I’m too tired and irritated and icky to do anything more but to go lay down.